How to help my child focus and concentrate

Think of “Concentration” as if it were a muscle: it needs to be trained progressively, get rest and be nurtured. Also, same as the whole human body, our brain performs a lot better when it is relaxed, oxygenated, and clean from the stress toxins. To help your child focus and concentrate, you need to take care not only of the “brain training” per se but also of the environment and the emotions your child is dealing with. These are the four key factors you need to work on: 

FACTOR #1: Anxiety is the greatest obstacle for concentration
From the Biological standpoint: to focus, our brains take oxygen from our blood. It needs to receive oxygen at the proper pace. When children are anxious, their hearts beat at an accelerated hasty pace and end up bringing too little oxygen way too fast. So, these children’s brains are not properly oxygenated for concentration. 

Furthermore, children struggling with anxiety receive constant “internal stimuli”. These are disrupting and spontaneous thoughts or memories that interrupt their concentration by making them feel alarmed or frightened. This may explain why many children can’t perform a task requiring three or more steps without forgetting a step.  

Anxiety leads to avoidance, the opposite of concentration. Children with anxiety need their parents to work on their “connection”. This is the healthiest and most effective way to find the real source of children’s fears, and helping them deal with it will strengthen their self-confidence. Also, you and your child would benefit if you practice belly-breathing together before trying to concentrate. Steady, diaphragmatic breathing slows your heart rate and clears your mind so you can concentrate. This is an important skill for all of us to learn as early as possible: calming the body through breathing. 

FACTOR #2: Overscheduling and Fatigue
We tend to try to keep our children distracted and busy all the time. Children that are whisked from activity to activity can feel mind-tiredness, they need a downtime to allow their young minds to recover from an activity. Their brains need some boredom time to recover from School. 

While some children will prefer to lay on their beds and watch the ceiling to get lost in their own thoughts for some minutes, other children will find it more beneficial to ride their bikes or play outside. You need to make sure your child has had the chance and time to get bored, to run, walk, or jump around before sitting down to homework. 

FACTOR #3: Feeling overwhelmed
When children are struggling to concentrate, they can be overwhelmed when projects look too big or complex, or when they’ve got many things to do. 

A great tactic to help increase your child's concentration is to split the task up into smaller pieces. Big projects can overwhelm. Even grownups have that feeling of "I don't even know where to start." Splitting the task up will give a child the feeling of progress as the pieces are completed. 

Another tactic is to make a To-do-list. Help your child focus on getting things done by making a list together of everything he or she needs to do for the day. Then let your child cross off each task as he or she finishes it. 

And, of course, you need to show your child how to use “Breathers”. During homework time, make sure your child takes a few breaks. After working for 10 or 20 minutes (depending on his or her age), invite your child to get up and move around, get a glass of water, and then go back to work. It is ok if your child wants to change the subject at homework. Some of us need to switch between courses (like language and sciences) because it allows us to switch the side of the brain we are using and this helps us stay away from tiredness. 

FACTOR #4: Distractions
Children get easily distracted because their young brains are still developing their “data-filters”. Your child’s senses fill his or her brain with a huge amount of information and can “saturate” it. While we grow up, our brains learn to put filters on the data gathered by our senses, so that we only process the relevant information. 

During childhood, many of us need some help to avoid unnecessary data while we are trying to concentrate. These may include conversations, TVs, cell phones, music, aromas, or fragrances, etc. Even the smell of just-baked-cookies keeps children from focusing on homework. Needless to say, hearing their parents arguing will upset children and will make it almost impossible for them to concentrate on what they are doing.  

How to help my child cope with divorce

Young children and even teens are still very self-centered and we need to protect them from taking responsibility for our own decisions. A divorce will always affect your children and there is no way to avoid that, but you can turn it into a positive experience if you face this situation as an opportunity to teach them “How to embrace changes when we are very frightened?”. And you can also do long term protection by nurturing your “connection” with them, by strengthening their self-confidence.

To help your children deal with a separation or divorce, you can try the following:

1) Reinforce this is not their fault. For most children, it is easier to blame themselves than to blame their parents. As you both are the pillars for their self-confidence, if you are not explicit and consistent, they will unconsciously put the burden on their backs. For their young minds, it is a lot easier to process -“It is my fault”- than -“It is my parents’ fault”-. As we are their source of love, care, and tranquility, it is very hard for them to understand how could we possibly do something that hurt them. For this same reason, please try not to argue about anything related to your children when they can hear you. They will translate your arguments into: “I knew this was my fault. There are arguing because of me.”

2) Protect their self-confidence and self-esteem by not interfering in their relationship with the other parent. Your children need to have their own (unbiased) opinion from each of you. As they grow up, this is just part of the natural process of becoming more independent. The image they have from both of you will evolve little by little over the years to come. This process needs to be protected from any “unwanted interference” or “manipulation”. 

Please be very careful not to make any negative comments about the other parent. It will only make your children be very frightened, and will also make them hold resentment towards you. Also, don’t let your good intentions to add any “decorations” to the plain truth: Don’t lie to protect them. Tell them the truth in their simple words when they ask. For example, if she asks: -“Where is Daddy?”-, you should answer: -“I don’t know. Why don’t you call him and ask him yourself?”-. If he asks: -“Why is Daddy….?”-, you should reply: -“I don’t know. Why don’t you call him and ask him…”-.

3) Control your anxiety. It won't help your children if you feel guilty. They will be more than OK if you both stay calmed and peaceful. Anxiety is what you should really strive to keep out of your lives. I encourage you to avoid “buying things” like candies or toys aiming to “compensate” what you may perceive as a loss for them. It is not. They will always have a Mommy and a Daddy, and you will both do better now that you are apart. You will be happier so your children will end up being happier too. 

Even though it is natural for parents to have this “urge” to make it up to their children and buy things to make them smile, you will only be giving them the wrong message: “I feel sorry for you”. Your children don’t need you to teach them to feel sorry for themselves, they need you to teach her “How to embrace change when we feel frightened”.

4) Nurture your “connection” with your children. This is long-term protection. The “connection” we have with our children help them raise their self-confidence while strengthening our relationship with them. I encourage you to have a 20 minutes’ playtime session with each child, every day you have them with you. Turn off your phone and just play as if you were her (or his) age, without any rules. Let her (or him) be the boss. Don’t try to teach them anything, just play, observe them without being judgmental.

How to help my child stop biting his or her nails

Nail-biting is a “nervous habit”, like thumb-sucking, hair twisting or nose-picking. If your child is over 3 years old, then this nibbling is a symptom of an underlying anxiety. Your child is doing this for self-soothing purposes. Then, if you just “make” your child stop, he or she will replace this nail-biting with some other “self-calming habit” (namely eating or putting things in his or her mouth just like a baby). The real solution relies on reconnecting with your child to help him or her “drain” the anxiety while you identify and address the real cause behind it.  

I really like the approach from Joshua Sparrow MD, a renowned Child Psychiatrist. Hear it from the source:

About Nail-Biting and Thumb-Sucking

If you want to help your child stop biting his or her nails please don’t expect results overnight. If your child’s “nervous habit” is bothering you and making you nervous, keep in mind your child is not doing this voluntarily. Anything you might say to make him or her stop will just hurt your child’s self-confidence and generate even more anxiety.

There is a Two-Steps Solution to deal with “Nervous habits” in children I always recommend because I have seen really impressive results:

Step 1: Learning to deal with anxiety

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     Connect with your child. Play with him or her 20 minutes a day, without your phone, TV, iPad, Tablet or any other distraction. Just observe. Can you tell what specific activities help your child "calm down"? Is it riding a bike, swimming, playing ball or is it painting, or singing? Take all the time you need to find this out.

·      

     Invite your child. Don’t nag. Once you have identified what type of activities help your child “drain” the anxiety, invite him or her to do that together every time you catch your child nibbling. Ask him or her to sing, paint or play with you, without making any reference to the “nail-biting”.

·      

     Make it a wonderful time for your child. Let your child put the rules, let your child win. Make some mistakes on your own while you are playing. Don’t be critical.     

·      

     Show gratitude to your child. When you have played like this for at least 20 minutes, just say: -“Thank you for playing with me. I feel relaxed now”-.

     Step 2: Go straight to the root cause

Is there any major change around? Is everyone relaxed at home?
Is your child happy at school? Is he or she afraid of something? 
We went through this a while ago: 

·           

     Observing and understanding: Hope (4-year-old) was nibbling. I noticed she was super enthusiastic about her Pre-K and then, all of a sudden, she just didn’t want to be there. One day, without her knowing, I stayed at her Pre-K. I just observed the group dynamics: I noticed a girl took a toy away from her. My daughter only looked down and did not say a word.

     Validation: that night, I asked Hope: -“Would you like me to show you some ways to defend yourself from other kids so that no one takes your toys away without saying “please”?”-. Can you guess which was the answer?: A wonderfully beaming little face I will never forget. 

     Crack-it together. Give your child options to solve the problem, what I like to call “resources”. I am referring to mainly alternative responses for your child to choose the one he or she feels comfortable with. For example, I shared with Hope these ideas and she chose to try both (b) and (c):

a) Stick Up for your rights: -"Don’t let anyone take anything away from you. Speak loud and clear"-. We used some role playing and switched for her to practice some lines and moves at home.

b) Be a role model: meaning to show the others how she deserves to be treated being respectful, honest and persuasive: -“If you take my toy away from me without my consent, I will tell my mom and she will tell your mom tonight. It is up to you to choose”.-

c) Ask for help: -“Tell the teacher as soon as it happens and point your finger if you need to. If your teacher does not do anything about it, you let me know and I will take care of it”-. Some teachers just don’t get involved, if this is your case, let your child hear you when you talk with the other kid’s parents. 

If you repeat this Two-Steps approach every day, if you make a part of your life, you’ll notice this nail-biting habit will go away progressively. Give it a try and let me know how it worked for you. 

How to help my child lose weight

Overweight in children is usually the consequence of both anxiety and poor eating habits. Did you know you can embrace these “Weight Loss” challenge from a completely different perspective that will benefit your whole family without hurting your child’s self-esteem?

The best approach to deal with overweight is to keep in mind that anxiety is the real problem here, while “Forbidden things are always Tempting”. So if you just “ban” certain type of food, you may see some results as long as you are watching and I assure you: your child will find a way to cheat on you.      

Try these 7 Tips for 3 months, you will all feel a lot better:

1)    Relax. Anxiety triggers the “craving” and that “urgent need” for a sweet or fatty treat at night. Make dinner a pleasant moment for all of you, without letting phones, TV or Tablets getting on the way. If your child is focused on “chewing slowly” in a relaxed situation, his or her brain will be ready to let the whole body know it is “enough food” already: “I am full”. This means the more relaxed your child is, and the more positive is the climate at home, the less your child will eat. I also suggest you work on your CONNECTION with your child so that you can start working together on the other potential causes for his or her anxiety.

2)    Increase physical activity. Take your child to the playground, if it is too hot or too cold or too wet, try dancing together 30 minutes a day using your child’s favorite songs. You will need to increase the physical activity little by little so that you both enjoy the new healthy habits. For example, you can add swimming on the weekend if you can not afford to have a swim during weekdays.

3)    Replace all drinks at home (soft drinks, bottled or packed juice and teas) with water. Avoid even fresh fruit juice. The so-called “Liquid Calories” don’t help at all. It is really the act of chewing the one that triggers that desired reaction from your brain: “I am full”. The pure act of swallowing only adds unwanted calories. If you are in public spaces, like a birthday party or a restaurant, and your child wants a soft drink, let him or she have it. The anxiety created by the message: “You can not have that because you have to lose weight” is 100% negative. An occasional sugar-added drink won’t hurt, but you need to make sure those drinks don’t exist at home.

4)    Buy a lot of fresh fruit. Any kind. Including grapes and bananas. The sugar coming from fruits is easily burned-out. So there really is no reason to worry about having too much fruit. You can get affordable fresh fruit from your grocery store, just get the one that is already peeled and chopped so that you have it “ready” in your fridge. Stay away from granola bars and whole wheat cookies, neither of them help. You can have plenty of unsalted nuts (except peanuts) if you are not allergic. Through away the junk food you’ve got at home, in your pantry, fridge and also in your private hideouts. This applies to all your cookies, chips, candies, chocolates, ding-dongs and any other sweet treats. Pop Corn can fit in your healthy lifestyle only if you get it fat-free.

5)    Don’t let your child feel hungry. Let your child eat anytime he or she wants. Let your child choose: “Are you going to have fruit or nuts?” “Are you having strawberry-pineapple or kiwi-cantaloupe?”. Fruits will give him or her just the right Vitamins and Nuts are a great source for the Essential Oils your child’s brain needs. I personally recommend adding bee honey to the fruit because it is good for their body and it makes the transition easier.

6)    Reinvent Dinner. Have Chicken Noodle Soup and Chinese Stir Fry a lot more frequently. Omelets are an awesome alternative as well. Try to stay away from frozen food and carbs. Chinese recipes make it a lot easier to help you child eat a bunch of colorful vegetables while it is really easy and fast to cook. Add Sesame Oil to enhance the taste and to make it even more nutritious. Try to avoid cornstarch and flour when you cook (they absorb a lot of oil).

7)    Embrace resistance to change without fear: 

• The message has to be: “We are doing this as a family because we want to be healthy all the time”. The message must not be: “We are doing this because you need to lose weight”.
• If your child refuses to eat whatever you have for dinner, offer him or her a fruit salad or whichever fruit your child chooses. And if your child still refuses to eat, let it be. Children eat when they are hungry.
• If your child is craving for pizza, make it at home together. Use Turkey Ham, bell peppers, tomatoes, basil and olive oil.
• Let your child choose ONE meal during the week. If your child asks you to take him of her to McDonalds for a Happy Meal, please do it. “Forbidden things are always Tempting”.   

How to help my child be more self-confident

Self-confidence has a lot to do with fear and anxiety. Show your child there is nothing he or she can do for you not to love them, or to love them a little less. Just show your child consistently: “I love you because I love you”. Letting them know that for a fact, will “unplug” the greatest source of anxiety in your child: “The fear of not to be loved by you”.

Most of us tend to forget it is “us” who set the foundations for our child’s self-confidence. The words you use to describe your children will be engraved in their self-esteem and your children’s behavior will adjust to match the words you use to describe them. This is because in our children’s subconscious minds MOM AND DAD ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. 

Love is not something we feel, it is something we do. Your children trust you and believe in you because you are the one supposed to love and accept them unconditionally. So, for these young minds, whatever you say is 100% truth. Even if your children challenges you verbally, what they think of themselves is defined by your own feelings and opinions about them. The way we talk to them, the way we look at them, how we play with them, what we think of them, it “all-combined” creates the image your children will have of themselves throughout their life. 

If your child is acting “needy”, “bossy”, or looks insecure, submissive, aggressive, perhaps shy, or “sad-mad”. If your child is having way too many tantrums and even if your child looks perfectly normal, just try using this rhyme. 

You’ll notice this rhyme does wonders for your child’s self-confidence if you walk-the-talk. Try saying it to your child, with a soft warm voice, when you are feeling your child’s behavior is falling “below-your-expectations”, or when you feel you are about “to-lose-it” during a tantrum before you say something you might regret later:  

I love you when you are happy

I love you when you are sad

I love you when you are cranky

I love you when you are mad

I love you the way you are

I am very proud of you
I need you to know that
You are the light in my life

I love you because I love you

There’s nothing you can do to change that

I love you because I love you

Forever. No matter what.

I love you with all my heart, even if you don't love me back

How does it work? This rhyme helps you remember you love your children so much, it really doesn’t matter if they are up to your expectations or not. In fact, your expectations are worthless. What really matters is what your children will expect and believe of themselves.