How to help my angry child

It hurts so deeply when we hear our beloved child saying: -“I HATE YOU”-. At such a young age, our children may come up to us with painful and scary phrases like: “I don’t want you to be my mom”, “I wish you were dead”, and some may even come up with: -“I want to kill you”-. And as Parents, we tend to feel so disappointed, terrified, and so very sad, and angry too. It is heartbreaking to hear those words when you are doing your best to become a better parent every day. We feel our children should either show some gratitude or, at least, a little respect and kindness for us.

The plain truth is that it is going to take many years for our children to realize and praise our efforts at Parenting. You are doing the right thing, and you are doing your best, but your children are still very far away from appreciating it because children don’t see the world through your grown up eyes. 

Your Top One response to those disturbing phrases should start by acknowledging you need to stay calm.

These outbursts of rage among children are merely a signal from an underlying cause. They don’t metabolize their emotions as we do. Those explosions may be caused by sadness, frustration, or anxiety. Children who seem angry and defiant often have severe, and unrecognized, anxiety. When children have anxiety, especially if they are hiding it, they may have a hard time coping with situations that cause the distress, and they may lash out when someone puts pressure on them that they can't handle. Furthermore, children struggle to understand what they are feeling and don’t know how to cope with it. Their outbursts are a clear call for your help.

After conducting a thorough research on the subject and consulting many authors and specialists, these four steps came up as the Most Positive Approach to help children manage their anger:

1) As soon as your child gets “possessed” by rage and anger, take a very deep breath and don’t react. Don’t say a word until you are in full control of yourself.

2) Use your body language, posture, volume, and tone of your voice to show your child you are very calmed: “I will leave the room now. Please let me know when you calm down”. Don’t raise your voice, don’t take privileges away from your children and don’t punish them. Remember you are trying them how to stay in control of your mind and body, and to express and communicate their feelings in an assertive and positive way. 

3) Wait until your child has calmed down completely, even if you must wait an hour until his or her breathing gets back to normal. As soon as your child enters a “peaceful” state engage into “Connection” time: Use 20 minutes of exclusive play time to connect with him or her and try to see the world through your child’s eyes. Let your child show you what is bothering him or her. 

Children express themselves nicely through play or simple words when you give them the time and confidence they need. Instead of asking questions, while playing, you can tell your child simple real stories about yourself just to inspire them to express their feelings: - “Yesterday I was very mad at my boss because he forgot my birthday. It made me very sad too” -.

4) When you feel angry or sad or anxious, let your child know how you feel and model the behavior to manage those emotions: practice belly-breathing together, teach them how to punch a cushion or go out and take a walk together to get some fresh air. When you have calmed down, use simple words to tell your children, in the shortest possible phrase, what made you upset.

I read this tweet today: “Love is not what you feel. Love is what you do”. It inspired me to write this post for you. Very often, we all need to remind ourselves: loving our children is accepting and supporting them unconditionally, for them to know they can always trust us, to nurture their self-confidence by showing them we will love them no matter what. And when we feel wounded by their “mean words”, we need to keep in mind they are cues intended to let us know our children are in pain and need our help. 

It is our responsibility to show our children how to achieve a peaceful state of mind, stay calmed and successfully manage their emotions, but we can not teach that with words because this is taught by example.  

If you try this approach for a month and your child still comes up with violent phrases like: “I want to kill you” or “I wish you were dead”, my advice is for you to ask for some professional help from a Psychologist.  

How to help my child cope with divorce

Young children and even teens are still very self-centered and we need to protect them from taking responsibility for our own decisions. A divorce will always affect your children and there is no way to avoid that, but you can turn it into a positive experience if you face this situation as an opportunity to teach them “How to embrace changes when we are very frightened?”. And you can also do long term protection by nurturing your “connection” with them, by strengthening their self-confidence.

To help your children deal with a separation or divorce, you can try the following:

1) Reinforce this is not their fault. For most children, it is easier to blame themselves than to blame their parents. As you both are the pillars for their self-confidence, if you are not explicit and consistent, they will unconsciously put the burden on their backs. For their young minds, it is a lot easier to process -“It is my fault”- than -“It is my parents’ fault”-. As we are their source of love, care, and tranquility, it is very hard for them to understand how could we possibly do something that hurt them. For this same reason, please try not to argue about anything related to your children when they can hear you. They will translate your arguments into: “I knew this was my fault. There are arguing because of me.”

2) Protect their self-confidence and self-esteem by not interfering in their relationship with the other parent. Your children need to have their own (unbiased) opinion from each of you. As they grow up, this is just part of the natural process of becoming more independent. The image they have from both of you will evolve little by little over the years to come. This process needs to be protected from any “unwanted interference” or “manipulation”. 

Please be very careful not to make any negative comments about the other parent. It will only make your children be very frightened, and will also make them hold resentment towards you. Also, don’t let your good intentions to add any “decorations” to the plain truth: Don’t lie to protect them. Tell them the truth in their simple words when they ask. For example, if she asks: -“Where is Daddy?”-, you should answer: -“I don’t know. Why don’t you call him and ask him yourself?”-. If he asks: -“Why is Daddy….?”-, you should reply: -“I don’t know. Why don’t you call him and ask him…”-.

3) Control your anxiety. It won't help your children if you feel guilty. They will be more than OK if you both stay calmed and peaceful. Anxiety is what you should really strive to keep out of your lives. I encourage you to avoid “buying things” like candies or toys aiming to “compensate” what you may perceive as a loss for them. It is not. They will always have a Mommy and a Daddy, and you will both do better now that you are apart. You will be happier so your children will end up being happier too. 

Even though it is natural for parents to have this “urge” to make it up to their children and buy things to make them smile, you will only be giving them the wrong message: “I feel sorry for you”. Your children don’t need you to teach them to feel sorry for themselves, they need you to teach her “How to embrace change when we feel frightened”.

4) Nurture your “connection” with your children. This is long-term protection. The “connection” we have with our children help them raise their self-confidence while strengthening our relationship with them. I encourage you to have a 20 minutes’ playtime session with each child, every day you have them with you. Turn off your phone and just play as if you were her (or his) age, without any rules. Let her (or him) be the boss. Don’t try to teach them anything, just play, observe them without being judgmental.

How to help my child to make friends

Children are not born with social skills. They are learned. Some children may develop these skills faster than others and it will depend on the stimulation and environment they are exposed to. 

It is a fact that a  single-child will tend to struggle more to make friends. It is also a fact that your child will do a lot better with just a little help from you. After all, you only have to show your child how it’s done.

In Tribal Societies, this concern about Social Skills hardly ever exists. Children of all ages hang out together, so the older ones look after the little ones, they play with them and, therefore, “model” the social behavior for them. The little ones just imitate the older ones. In our society, instead, children are grouped by age at daycare, preschool, and school, so there is very little room for “role modeling” unless it comes from their parents.

These 4 Tips should help your child to make friends at school or preschool:

1.    One-on-One Playdates. Have only one friend invited to your house. Let your child choose who will be his or her guest. During play time, you’ll have to “model” the social skills your child needs. Some other day, you take your child to his or her playmate’s house and you keep “modeling” the social skills. Playdates work a lot better if you start only with one playmate at a time and at your house: your child will feel more secure and self-confident. You can increase the number of playmates and switch houses progressively.

2.    Outdoor and Indoor Playgrounds. Climb into the attractions with your child and take an active role in “pretend” play. Let your child see how you “break the ice” and start interacting with other children. Then you take a step back and let your child play. You’ll only step in if your child needs help to defend him o herself.  

3.    Have some Role-Playing when you are alone. Pretend you are a new friend to your child. How would you behave if you were a child who wants to play? You would use phrases like: “Hi. Can we play together”, “Do you like dogs? I have a pet…”, etc.

4.    At Preschool and Elementary School Age, have your child’s friends coming over to your house as often as possible. Kids love to show their toys and having their “little gang” in their own house, and it helps them to be more self-confident at school too. 

Childhood is about having fun and learning by playing. It is our job to do the best we can to help them.  

How to help my child with Gross Motor Skills

You can make the difference if your child is struggling with his or her Gross Motor Skills. I have put together the learnings from our own research and experience on this topic so that you can help your child overcome this phase even if you are running low on budget.

For over 2 years, we went through many doctors, therapists (occupational, physical, etc.) and many other specialists (homeopaths, nutritionists, etc.), so I can give you a “highly effective summary” you can start bringing to life right away.

If you have taken your child to the pediatrician and neurologist, and they both have said there is no medical condition that could possibly explain your child’s Gross Motor Skills Delay, then there are 2 areas you need to work on to help your child:

1) The Emotional Front:

Guess what? Your child knows how you feel about him or her. So please STOP. The emotional factor is a huge driver for Gross Motor Skills, haven't you heard the expressions: "He was shaking like a leaf?" or "She was frozen with fear". It happens to be that our children express their emotions through their bodies. It is harder for them than for us because they don't yet know how to describe what they are feeling, so they have a super hard time dealing with these fears and anxieties on their own.
   
I’ve been right there where you are standing right now. I have felt sad because my child couldn’t do many simple things, like running, climbing the stairs without help or even jump without grabbing onto something. I felt confused and even angry. I lost my patience many times because she was so slow for some tasks. I was very worried and frightened because I did not know how to help my child. I did notice this Delayed Gross Motor Skills had turned into an issue because it was affecting her Social Skills. For example, she didn’t want to climb in the Play Area every time I took her to McDonald’s. Your emotions are not helping your child, you need to get rid of your anxiety.

ACCEPT AND LOVE YOUR CHILD FOR WHOM SHE OR HE IS TODAY. The painful truth is you are hurting your child’s self-confidence because your attitude is telling him or her: “you are not good enough” and “there is something wrong about you”. Hence, Bad News: you may be the root cause for his or her Gross Motor Skills Delay. Good News: you can fix it.

Above all, your child needs to feel loved, valued and accepted by you. Your child needs to know he or she is already “meeting your expectations” and that you are already super proud of him or her. 

So, in a nutshell: drop the nagging and start playing with your child.

2) The Physical-Body Front

There are many fun games you can play with children to help them overcome this Delay on his or her Gross Motor Skills. The key to success is to make it FUN for your child, so I suggest you make some mistakes when you play, letting your child win. It will help a lot his or her self-confidence:

Help improve your child’s Coordination Skills

• Dance at home. 30 minutes a day will get you there. Get your child’s favorite songs in a playlist and have fun.
• Catch ball. Try with a soccer ball sized ball and play first catch from rebound, throwing and kicking. It really helps when you show them the process for each movement: how they need to put their legs and move their arms.
• I suggest you look for sports and activities that stimulate both sides of the body (left and right) simultaneously, like dancing and swimming. It encourages a healthier brain development.  

Help you child have better Balance

• Stand on one foot for as long as you can. Make it a contest. It will be fun for your child if you fall and laugh about it while you lay on the floor.
• Balance Bike. I got one for my child even though she was 4.5 years old when she started and she really enjoys riding her bike while I try to catch her. A Scooter can help too.

Help your child develop Muscle Strength

Children with Delayed Gross Motor Skills tend to be less active and need to be motivated. 

• Take your child to Indoor Playgrounds. Climb and jump with your child. The inflatable attractions are great for agility and Balance Skills too.
• McDonald’s and Chik-fil-A allow parents to climb their play area. I encourage you to do it because your child will follow you. You will have to do this a few times before your child climbs on his or her own without asking you to join him or her.
• Swim. If you can, take your child for a swim on the weekends and have fun playing in the water together.

How to help my child read

If your child is having a hard time learning to read, you can inspire him (or her) to while nurturing your child's self-confidence. Most children struggling to learn to read feel embarrassed and afraid of not being up to their parents' expectations, and this keeps them from practicing and trying harder. 

Children learn a lot better when there is no anxiety and when they feel love, safe and praised by their parents. These Tips will motivate your child and strengthen your "connection":

     Read to your child every day 

     During dinner, talk about this book you two are reading. There is an article with very helpful tips for you to become a great “out-loud reader” for your child: Helping Your Child Learn to Read

     Create mind-games from that book you are reading

     A fun mind-game we have is to change parts of the story and make a whole new book out of it. Let your child make the story and you write it down as he or she speaks. Show your child how important it is to write down the story he or she just pulled together. After a few days, you can read to your child that story he or she made up.

     Let your child see how much you enjoy reading a book

     We grownups spend a lot of time reading from our phones and other devices. Our children learn by example, meaning they will most likely imitate you. So, if you want your child to spend his or her time in books, start by yourself and let them see how excited you are about this new book you are reading, tell them what is it about. There are very good classics you can start with. My favorite author is Jules Verne. Children love to hear about the adventures captured in his books, like “A Capitan at Fifteen”.

     Let your child play with books 

     Give them the right message: Books are fun. Learning is fun. We have many “lift-the-flap” books and my child enjoys them by herself. They are pricey but worth it as they reinforce the message: “Books hide many wonderful secrets and it is so fun to find them all”. After all, that is what learning is all about: “Unveiling the Secrets of the World”.  

Make a major event out of your trips to the Bookstore. 

     Plan your trip to the bookstore as if you were going out on an adventure trip, like camping. Talk about what book you would like to read together. Try to spend hours in the store just “diving” into all the options. Sit on a table together with your books and enjoy while you are leafing through the pages. When you are done, let your child pick only one book. 

How to help my child be more self-confident

Are you trying to be Mr. or Mrs. Perfect for your child? My advice is: DROP IT. RIGHT AWAY. If you want to strengthen your child's self-confidence, then be ready to let them know how imperfect you truly are.  

Children raised by these so-called “Perfect Parents”, with the Perfectly Clean House, and Perfectly Ironed Clothes, with their Perfect Careers and Perfect Family, end up becoming very insecure and unhappy grownups, with serious anger management issues and resentments that may later degenerate into something worse.

Children need to feel accepted and valued by their parents for whom they are. They need to know their parents are already the proudest on Earth. If your child is somehow feeling he or she is not “meeting” your high standards or expectations, then you are on the wrong path. If you look PERFECT before his or her eyes, if you don’t tumble and fall when you play, if you don’t make any mistakes, then you may need to make some adjustments to help your child feel more confident, accepted and LOVED.

These are some specific tips from a previously SUPER PERFECTIONIST and PICKY MOM that evolved into this RELAXED HAPPY MOM of a WONDERFULLY SELF-CONFIDENT AND HAPPY CHILD:

1)   Have at least 20 minutes of REAL PLAY every day with your child. This translates into turning OFF your phone and sitting (or laying) on the floor to play whatever your child tells you to play. You let him or she choose. Let him or she have the control on those 20 minutes. Your child sets the play rules and you follow, restraining yourself from making any suggestions (or comments) to make it a better or more educational game.

2)  Make mistakes, on purpose. If you are coloring together, make sure you color outside the lines. If you are working on a puzzle, don’t forget to try really hard to put the wrong pieces together. If you are playing some “balance” game, please make sure you fall on the floor and laugh about it. When you let your child win some battles, you are nurturing his or her self-esteem.

3)  Let your child know you make many mistakes, you don’t have all the answers and you are ok with it. I believe the important lesson is: “I am not perfect. We moms (or dads) are not perfect, we make many mistakes. And you know, it is ok because EVERYONE makes mistakes”. I don’t know who came up with this stupid idea of us parents having to know every answer to every question to “spread” confidence among our children. I think it is better to look for answers together. For example, “Why is it that Dragons don’t get burned when they breathe fire?”

4)    Let your child see you are always doing your best, even though things don’t end up exactly as you want them to. I did my best to make this superb Kung Fu Panda (Chicken Noodle) Soup for my child. I worked really hard on picking the right ingredients when we were doing the groceries together, I chopped the vegetables trying to make them have the perfect bite size and I even sang while I was doing my cooking. At dinner, my child and I tasted the soup and it was very bad. I just started laughing and said: “I tried so hard to make the perfect soup and I forgot to put salt in it”. She laughed loudly too. It’s been months since then. She still remembers that day and laughs every time. But when she’s done laughing, she adds: “It is OK you know? You tried really hard and we had fun”.

5)    Lose it. Choose you battles wisely and let your child win sometimes. Children do no need to take a bath every day and they certainly can stay for weeks without washing their hair before they start stinking. Their bodies are not made to work like robots, so they are not supposed to sleep at the same hour every day and always eat the same amount of food. They sleep when they are tired and eat when they are hungry. And nothing wrong happens when they dress “Wacky-Tacky” style; let’s face it, your child isn’t yet a CEO. 

6)    Be reasonable. Talk about it instead of “Making-it-happen”. Why does your child have to Clean Up after playing? It shouldn’t be just because you are a Perfectionist. Explain him or her the real practical reasons:

·       “We put everything back where it belongs so that you can find your toys when you need them. I have noticed you get worried when you can’t find something”.

·       “We pick up the Lego Pieces from the floor so that our feet won’t hurt if we accidently step on one of them”.

·       “We clean the table after we eat because we do not want to get invaded by cockroaches”.

·       “We wash our hands because we don't want an ugly worm living in our tummies”.

7)    Let your child face the natural consequences arising from his or her choices. My child did not want to put her dirty clothes in the hamper. I explained her only the clothes placed in the hamper get into the laundry room. She did not pick her clothes from the floor, so she had to wear her Pre-K uniform as Pajamas and also she had to wear them for a Birthday Party. She learned there are consequences for not following the Laundry Rules.   

Let it show how much you like playing like if you both had the same age, like if you were only a child again. Let him or she see there’s no other place you’d rather be at this time because there is nothing better than having so much fun together. Your child perception will be: Mom (or Dad) loves me.

Keep in mind you’ve been given the opportunity to be a child again. Only this time you set the rules. Pick up what you would change from your childhood, and make it different. Do your best. Do make a list. And do dare to make all those changes for you and your child. Enjoy!

How to help my child express his or her feelings

You may have noticed your child is a little reluctant to talk about his or her feelings, and this may be especially common among children who were born with this “generous-and-kind” nature. I am talking about children like my daughter, who always says "please" and "thank you", helps around the house, and acts concerned about other people's feelings and looks just a little shy. 

Perhaps you have realized too, that your child tends to please others even at the expense of postponing his or her own needs and, you are a worried because you have seen other preschoolers “taking advantage” of your child’s kindness. 

I call this “Need of Assertiveness”. That is, the ability to stick up for their rights and feelings, with self-confidence.

Good news: There are little changes you can do that will bring great results within days, while the effect will last for a lifetime. 

Assertiveness is a huge asset. If your child wasn’t born with it, you still can help him or she has it. In the classroom, assertiveness puts children at an advantage because it makes them feel comfortable commanding the teacher's attention, raising their hand if they know the answer, and asking for extra help if they are lost. It also helps them have an easier time making friends since they won't hesitate to say: "Hey, can I play too?"

These are my 7 Tips. They work in tandem: they help your child talk about his or her feelings and, they help you nurture your child’s assertiveness:

1) Share your own feelings with your child. Please DO turn OFF your phone

When we are having dinner, I play this little game I made up for my child. I call it One-by-One. I say: “Me first: I will tell you one thing I like about my job and one thing I don’t like about it. Then, it is your turn: you tell me one thing you like about today and one thing you don’t like about it”. Be honest when you talk about your feelings. For example: “I liked a new trick I learn on the computer, I felt happy. I didn’t like my boss forgot to say hello to me. I felt sad and mad”.  

2) Be ready to help when your child shares his or her feelings

Your child needs to feel you are on his or her side to help. So, you must do something with the information your child is sharing with you. Sometimes, children will need only some advice, a rewarding pat on their back or your arms to cuddle in. But there will be other times in which your ACTION will be needed. For example: When we were playing One-by-One, my daughter said: “I liked playing in the snow with my friends at Pre-K. I don’t like a girl who took away the phone from me. I was playing”. I was thinking about what to say to her, and then she added: “Mommy, I don’t know how to defend myself. Can you teach me?”. I replied right away: “Of course I will”.

In case you’re wondering, I spent hours awake at night thinking about how to help her. The morning was just a few hours away and I honestly had no idea on how to teach my child how to defend herself. The answers I found on the web were just not good enough. So, I ended up making a specially tailored self-defense plan training for my daughter who, by the way, does not speak English.   

3) Make it a Top Priority for your family

In our case, Language is a barrier that needs to be tackled right away. So, for the time being, I just threw away my expectations and plans for her to be a Bilingual Child. We are practicing self-defense phrases at home and talking mostly in English to help her. For us, her need to learn to defend herself, her need for assertiveness is more important that our need for her to be bilingual. So, please revise your Top Priorities Checklist and adjust accordingly.

4) Become a Role Model on Assertiveness

“How to stick up for your rights” or “How to defend yourself” is something we learn at home, from imitating our parents, caregivers and/or older brothers and sisters. What are you teaching your child by example? How do you defend yourself? Watch your body language, the tone and volume of your voice, your words, your “attitude” and your overall reaction when someone tries to take advantage of your own kindness. Your child will imitate “your style”. I felt very bad when I realized I was “submissive”. But I decided to work on it, to evolve, for my child. And it is working. Now I can’t help feeling overly proud of both us.  

5) Leverage on Role Playing

You are responsible for giving your child “resources” to defend him or herself. Practice at home with your child, taking turns. First, your child tries to take the remote control away from you. Teach-through-play. Use simple phrases and make the moves your child can copy to defend himself from others like: “Hey, it is my turn to use this. When I am done playing, I’ll give it you” or “I am not giving it to you because you haven’t said Please”. Then, let your child have the remote control and you try to take it away from him or her. Help your child develop his or her own “memorized-until-spontaneous reactions”, depending on your child’s motor skills, strengths, and weaknesses as well.

6) Show you child the Power of Awareness

“If you share your feelings with me, I will help you. If you don't tell me, how can I know if you need any help?”

7) Get the Teacher involved

Depending on their age, children may need their teachers’ intervention. In Hope’s case, it was more than necessary because of her age and the language barrier. While Hope develops her ability to talk in English, she lets her know her Teacher who is bothering her just by pointing her finger.

Please share with me your thoughts. What else can we do to nurture our child's assertiveness and help them talk about their feelings with confidence?

How to help my child be more self-confident

Self-confidence has a lot to do with fear and anxiety. Show your child there is nothing he or she can do for you not to love them, or to love them a little less. Just show your child consistently: “I love you because I love you”. Letting them know that for a fact, will “unplug” the greatest source of anxiety in your child: “The fear of not to be loved by you”.

Most of us tend to forget it is “us” who set the foundations for our child’s self-confidence. The words you use to describe your children will be engraved in their self-esteem and your children’s behavior will adjust to match the words you use to describe them. This is because in our children’s subconscious minds MOM AND DAD ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. 

Love is not something we feel, it is something we do. Your children trust you and believe in you because you are the one supposed to love and accept them unconditionally. So, for these young minds, whatever you say is 100% truth. Even if your children challenges you verbally, what they think of themselves is defined by your own feelings and opinions about them. The way we talk to them, the way we look at them, how we play with them, what we think of them, it “all-combined” creates the image your children will have of themselves throughout their life. 

If your child is acting “needy”, “bossy”, or looks insecure, submissive, aggressive, perhaps shy, or “sad-mad”. If your child is having way too many tantrums and even if your child looks perfectly normal, just try using this rhyme. 

You’ll notice this rhyme does wonders for your child’s self-confidence if you walk-the-talk. Try saying it to your child, with a soft warm voice, when you are feeling your child’s behavior is falling “below-your-expectations”, or when you feel you are about “to-lose-it” during a tantrum before you say something you might regret later:  

I love you when you are happy

I love you when you are sad

I love you when you are cranky

I love you when you are mad

I love you the way you are

I am very proud of you
I need you to know that
You are the light in my life

I love you because I love you

There’s nothing you can do to change that

I love you because I love you

Forever. No matter what.

I love you with all my heart, even if you don't love me back

How does it work? This rhyme helps you remember you love your children so much, it really doesn’t matter if they are up to your expectations or not. In fact, your expectations are worthless. What really matters is what your children will expect and believe of themselves.